22 Week Update/ It's a GIRL!!

I am not going to go in to too much detail, some of it feels spiritual to me and is quite hard to explain in words on a blog, but I will say that Jason and I just knew we were having a girl. From dreams, promptings, differences in pregnancies, all the way down to Ollie (out of nowhere and on several occasions) blurting out "baby sister!" There were a lot of signs pointing to this little one being a girl. I love thinking on all of this, looking at entries in my journal claiming to know it was a girl, and then having it all confirmed!

We are so incredibly happy! 

UPDATE:

-How far along?: My original due date was set as the 10th of September, then at my first 3 ultrasounds they said they were changing it to the 13th (not a big difference) but then the last two appointments they've said I'm measuring on track for "my due date on the 10th". So..I'm somewhere in the 22 week range! 

-Total weight gain/loss?: Ready for this? NINE POUNDS GAINED!! I am now at 115. I've eaten much worse this pregnancy but I've also been doing a lot more cardio than I did with Oliver..so I'm hoping that will balance things a little and I'll be able to stay in a healthy range for weight gain.

-Maternity clothes?: I've been wearing more of my medium-large sized shirts but still haven't actually purchased maternity. I need to! 

-Sleep?: Pretty good still!

-Best moment?: FINDING OUT THE GENDER!! (Video and pictures below) 

-Hardest moment?: Leaving the ultrasound..I just wanted to watch our baby all day. 

-Symptoms?: Soreness

-Food cravings?: Sweet treats! I also find I'm in the mood to snack on something crunchy and salty a little more lately.

-Food aversions?: None. But I do regret that KFC trip we made a week ago.. 

-Gender?: GIRL!!!

-Belly button in or out?: Half in, half flat haha.

-What I miss?: Seeing my sweet baby at the anatomy scan. It was so fun! We had an amazing ultrasound technician who was so sweet, even when I started to feel faint halfway through and had to keep adjusting my position.

-What I'm looking forward to?: Enjoying all the times we get with Ollie as an only child. He is seriously the best. 

And obviously, holding my darling baby girl. 

And room service at the hospital! Haha! 

Reveal Video:

20 Week Update

-How far along?: 20 weeks. 

-Total weight gain/loss?: 4 pounds gained.

-Maternity clothes?: Nope, but I am about to go buy some! With Ollie I pretty much made due with clothes I had/hand me downs. I literally bought one maternity shirt, but it worked! This time around I am definitely going to need to buy some larger clothes since I've cleaned out my closet and now only have pre-pregnancy sized clothing.

-Sleep?: Not too bad the last few weeks. 

-Best moment?: I have felt really great in my body this pregnancy (so far). I am in that "cute" and "blissful" stage and loving it! My energy is up, my mood is great (as long as I'm fed that is), and I'm comfortable enough to not complain but uncomfortable enough to feel pregnant (in a good way). I'm sure it's the calm before the storm. ;)   

-Hardest moment?: I have been getting used to Jason working graveyard shifts at the hospital and actually am beginning to prefer them over day shifts. HOWEVER, there are times here and there that I do get a little scared. Last night I got things cleaned up and Ollie down to bed so I decided to hop in the shower. I heard sounds and ignored it at first (we have adjoining neighbors so I assumed I was hearing something through the walls). Suddenly it sounded like someone was running up our stairs and my heart stopped. My mind becomes a little overactive in the later hours and I started picturing the worst..someone ripping the curtain open and stabbing my stomach, or kidnapping Oliver and I and selling us to human traffickers, etc. I rushed to finish so I could get out and check on Ollie. I looked around and no longer heard any sounds or detected any sign of intrusion, and found the sweetest little boy sleeping peacefully in his crib. 

I think it makes me more nervous (when I hear noises while home alone) now that I'm pregnant. I feel more defenseless. Like I wouldn't be able to fight back as hard without harming my sweet baby. Yikes!

-Symptoms?: Slight fatigue. Increase in appetite. I'm not able to eat a ton in one sitting usually, but I find I become hungry much more frequently.

-Food cravings?: SWEETS. I don't want them 24/7 but I crave desserts at least once a day.

-Food aversions?: None. 

-Gender?: All will be revealed on Mother's Day!

-Belly button in or out?: In.

-What I miss?: Nothing really. Although, I have felt a slight twinge of sadness as May approaches simply because that is when I was expected to have my last baby. So, I guess in a way I miss my last pregnancy? But I also don't..because I now have this sweet little baby to keep me company through this time. 

-What I'm looking forward to?: Room service at the hospital.. is that weird? I usually hear people complain about hospital food but I just LOVED being served food after having Ollie! 

-Milestones?: I felt the baby for the first time during my 17th week. Jason felt the baby kick during the 18th week. It was so cool! He reached over to feel my tummy and I said "You probably won't feel anything"... 5 seconds later baby decided to show mama who's boss and kicked twice quite hard!  

-Bump: Here are pictures of my progression (both bump and style wise..haha!)

20 weeks 

 17 weeks

 15 weeks

 13 weeks

Our Special Announcement/First Update

As you may already know, as shared in my previous post, last October my little family and I lost what would have been our second baby. It affected me in ways I can't even explain and, to be honest, I still am feeling pretty sad about it. But (cheesy quote incoming), you have to have a little rain to make a rainbow.

Here's our rainbow..

We are extremely grateful! 

-How did you find out you were pregnant?: Okay, this is a little crazy, but I knew I was pregnant within days of it happening. It wasn't a hunch or a "I think I am" kind of thing. I was 100% sure I was pregnant. I had a weird metallic taste in my mouth and my body just felt different.. like it was screaming "Yo mama! You pregnant again!". Sure enough, about a week and a half later I found out I was expecting.

-How far along?: 17 weeks.  

-How big is the peanut?: About the size of a pear. 

-Total weight gain/loss?: I am now up to 110 putting me at a 4 pound weight gain. 

-Maternity clothes?: Not yet. 

-Sleep?: Hit and miss. I'm having a harder time breathing but I'm still sleeping okay.

-Best moment?: Just being pregnant in general has made me glad!  

-Hardest moment?: I bled off and on in the first trimester. While it was frustrating I kept telling Jason "I just feel like everything is going to be okay this time." and he said he felt the same. So far, we've been right!

-Symptoms?: Fatigue 

-Food cravings?: Italian food has my heart this pregnancy..and sweets!  

-Food aversions?: Not really. 

-Gender?: We will announce the gender on Mother's Day! 

-Belly button in or out?: In.

-What I miss?: NOTHING. I am so glad to be pregnant!

-What I'm looking forward to?: Being in the hospital again! I LOVED my experience having Ollie and am really excited to do it again! 

-Milestones?: I'm in my second trimester which is nice! 

-Bump?: Yes! I definitely started showing sooner this time. I'm sure a lot of that has to do with the fact that this is technically my third pregnancy and happened right after the second one.

My Experience with Miscarriage

September 10th. I was driving home from work at about 2 AM. I had been feeling different all day and continued to have the thought that I should take a pregnancy test. The feeling did not go away, even at 2 AM, so I decided to stop at Wal-Mart on the way home.

Got home. Went to the bathroom. Waited. Positive.

I was elated. Apparently my late night antics woke up my son, so I excitedly went to him and whispered to him "I have a secret. You get to be the first to know." and proceeded to tell him the news (knowing full well that this one year old boy had no clue what I was saying..but, he was excited simply because I was.) We then went in and broke the news to a very tired father/husband.

Nearly 4 weeks later we broke the news to our parents and siblings. It was beginning to feel more real. Especially considering how sick and tired I had been.

October 15th. It was our 4 year wedding anniversary,and we were on our way to have our first ultrasound. We were so excited to be spending such a special day being introduced to our newest and smallest family member.

I had been tracking my pregnancy with a detailed app based on my cycle (and not necessarily the date of your last period like the doctor does before your first visit) and was extremely sure of how far along I would be. Jason and I had placed bets on how far along I was, and I thought "I'm definitely going to win this bet. Sucker."

We got to the office and waited in the car for a few minutes because we were pretty early. I was freaking out a little. "I'm so nervous!" I said to Jason. He asked me why and I asked him "What if something is wrong?". I also asked him, ironically, what he would do if I miscarried, which led in to its own discussion.

We got in, went over paperwork, spoke with the doctor for a minute, then went in for the ultrasound. We could see our sweet baby so well! I was so glad! And I was exactly, to the day, as far along as I thought I would be.

Several moments passed as the doctor continued to look around.

"I am going to keep looking for a minute before making this diagnosis."

What? Diagnosis? What does he mean?

He zoomed in on the baby and that's when I realized..you can't see it. You can't see any heartbeat. I sat there praying so hard "Please God, please let us see a heartbeat."

"I'm sorry, I am just not seeing a heartbeat."

The silence after he spoke was deafening. I felt like I was in a bad dream.

Jason rushed to my side, grasping my hand as the doctor proceeded to talk. Half of the things he said I didn't even hear. He explained our options. Said it wasn't my fault several times.

How is this possible? How could I be exactly as far along as I thought and not have a living baby in me? Did that mean the baby had died that morning? Why is this happening to me? Is this real? This doesn't make sense.

My head was reeling. The doctor, nurse, and my mom (holding Ollie) all left the room to let me change. Jason came to me and I completely broke down.

October 21st. Jason and I woke up bright and early and headed to the hospital. I was scheduled to have a D&C.

I told myself that others had it worse and it was so early in the pregnancy that I shouldn't feel sorry for myself. I was lucky it happened early on. I was lucky I was able to have the D&C. I shouldn't be sad.

The surgery went smoothly. I was actually beginning to feel much better emotionally (or so I thought at the time) and was feeling ready to move forward. I was involved in a play at the time and continued with rehearsals the remainder of the week and performances the following week. At first it felt great, I felt happier and felt that I had gotten through the worst of the emotional and physical aftermath.

I was in a state of denial.

I won't go in to detail, but the moment finally came. I totally lost it. I got in to a couple arguments with my husband that led in to one total breakdown. The mask came off. Every emotion I had shut out came flooding in. Every moment within the past few weeks where I had deemed myself as "fine" and "happy" were revealed as moments that I was actually, definitely not fine and happy. The hurt that I had blocked out came rushing in and I was feeling everything all at once.

I am now dealing with it. I am finally feeling the hurt I pushed out and it is so relieving. It feels good to allow myself to truly mourn my loss and let myself not be totally okay. Each day is getting easier and each day I feel just a bit brighter.