20 Week Update

-How far along?: 20 weeks. 

-Total weight gain/loss?: 4 pounds gained.

-Maternity clothes?: Nope, but I am about to go buy some! With Ollie I pretty much made due with clothes I had/hand me downs. I literally bought one maternity shirt, but it worked! This time around I am definitely going to need to buy some larger clothes since I've cleaned out my closet and now only have pre-pregnancy sized clothing.

-Sleep?: Not too bad the last few weeks. 

-Best moment?: I have felt really great in my body this pregnancy (so far). I am in that "cute" and "blissful" stage and loving it! My energy is up, my mood is great (as long as I'm fed that is), and I'm comfortable enough to not complain but uncomfortable enough to feel pregnant (in a good way). I'm sure it's the calm before the storm. ;)   

-Hardest moment?: I have been getting used to Jason working graveyard shifts at the hospital and actually am beginning to prefer them over day shifts. HOWEVER, there are times here and there that I do get a little scared. Last night I got things cleaned up and Ollie down to bed so I decided to hop in the shower. I heard sounds and ignored it at first (we have adjoining neighbors so I assumed I was hearing something through the walls). Suddenly it sounded like someone was running up our stairs and my heart stopped. My mind becomes a little overactive in the later hours and I started picturing the worst..someone ripping the curtain open and stabbing my stomach, or kidnapping Oliver and I and selling us to human traffickers, etc. I rushed to finish so I could get out and check on Ollie. I looked around and no longer heard any sounds or detected any sign of intrusion, and found the sweetest little boy sleeping peacefully in his crib. 

I think it makes me more nervous (when I hear noises while home alone) now that I'm pregnant. I feel more defenseless. Like I wouldn't be able to fight back as hard without harming my sweet baby. Yikes!

-Symptoms?: Slight fatigue. Increase in appetite. I'm not able to eat a ton in one sitting usually, but I find I become hungry much more frequently.

-Food cravings?: SWEETS. I don't want them 24/7 but I crave desserts at least once a day.

-Food aversions?: None. 

-Gender?: All will be revealed on Mother's Day!

-Belly button in or out?: In.

-What I miss?: Nothing really. Although, I have felt a slight twinge of sadness as May approaches simply because that is when I was expected to have my last baby. So, I guess in a way I miss my last pregnancy? But I also don't..because I now have this sweet little baby to keep me company through this time. 

-What I'm looking forward to?: Room service at the hospital.. is that weird? I usually hear people complain about hospital food but I just LOVED being served food after having Ollie! 

-Milestones?: I felt the baby for the first time during my 17th week. Jason felt the baby kick during the 18th week. It was so cool! He reached over to feel my tummy and I said "You probably won't feel anything"... 5 seconds later baby decided to show mama who's boss and kicked twice quite hard!  

-Bump: Here are pictures of my progression (both bump and style wise..haha!)

20 weeks 

 17 weeks

 15 weeks

 13 weeks

Our Special Announcement/First Update

As you may already know, as shared in my previous post, last October my little family and I lost what would have been our second baby. It affected me in ways I can't even explain and, to be honest, I still am feeling pretty sad about it. But (cheesy quote incoming), you have to have a little rain to make a rainbow.

Here's our rainbow..

We are extremely grateful! 

-How did you find out you were pregnant?: Okay, this is a little crazy, but I knew I was pregnant within days of it happening. It wasn't a hunch or a "I think I am" kind of thing. I was 100% sure I was pregnant. I had a weird metallic taste in my mouth and my body just felt different.. like it was screaming "Yo mama! You pregnant again!". Sure enough, about a week and a half later I found out I was expecting.

-How far along?: 17 weeks.  

-How big is the peanut?: About the size of a pear. 

-Total weight gain/loss?: I am now up to 110 putting me at a 4 pound weight gain. 

-Maternity clothes?: Not yet. 

-Sleep?: Hit and miss. I'm having a harder time breathing but I'm still sleeping okay.

-Best moment?: Just being pregnant in general has made me glad!  

-Hardest moment?: I bled off and on in the first trimester. While it was frustrating I kept telling Jason "I just feel like everything is going to be okay this time." and he said he felt the same. So far, we've been right!

-Symptoms?: Fatigue 

-Food cravings?: Italian food has my heart this pregnancy..and sweets!  

-Food aversions?: Not really. 

-Gender?: We will announce the gender on Mother's Day! 

-Belly button in or out?: In.

-What I miss?: NOTHING. I am so glad to be pregnant!

-What I'm looking forward to?: Being in the hospital again! I LOVED my experience having Ollie and am really excited to do it again! 

-Milestones?: I'm in my second trimester which is nice! 

-Bump?: Yes! I definitely started showing sooner this time. I'm sure a lot of that has to do with the fact that this is technically my third pregnancy and happened right after the second one.

My Experience with Miscarriage

September 10th. I was driving home from work at about 2 AM. I had been feeling different all day and continued to have the thought that I should take a pregnancy test. The feeling did not go away, even at 2 AM, so I decided to stop at Wal-Mart on the way home.

Got home. Went to the bathroom. Waited. Positive.

I was elated. Apparently my late night antics woke up my son, so I excitedly went to him and whispered to him "I have a secret. You get to be the first to know." and proceeded to tell him the news (knowing full well that this one year old boy had no clue what I was saying..but, he was excited simply because I was.) We then went in and broke the news to a very tired father/husband.

Nearly 4 weeks later we broke the news to our parents and siblings. It was beginning to feel more real. Especially considering how sick and tired I had been.

October 15th. It was our 4 year wedding anniversary,and we were on our way to have our first ultrasound. We were so excited to be spending such a special day being introduced to our newest and smallest family member.

I had been tracking my pregnancy with a detailed app based on my cycle (and not necessarily the date of your last period like the doctor does before your first visit) and was extremely sure of how far along I would be. Jason and I had placed bets on how far along I was, and I thought "I'm definitely going to win this bet. Sucker."

We got to the office and waited in the car for a few minutes because we were pretty early. I was freaking out a little. "I'm so nervous!" I said to Jason. He asked me why and I asked him "What if something is wrong?". I also asked him, ironically, what he would do if I miscarried, which led in to its own discussion.

We got in, went over paperwork, spoke with the doctor for a minute, then went in for the ultrasound. We could see our sweet baby so well! I was so glad! And I was exactly, to the day, as far along as I thought I would be.

Several moments passed as the doctor continued to look around.

"I am going to keep looking for a minute before making this diagnosis."

What? Diagnosis? What does he mean?

He zoomed in on the baby and that's when I realized..you can't see it. You can't see any heartbeat. I sat there praying so hard "Please God, please let us see a heartbeat."

"I'm sorry, I am just not seeing a heartbeat."

The silence after he spoke was deafening. I felt like I was in a bad dream.

Jason rushed to my side, grasping my hand as the doctor proceeded to talk. Half of the things he said I didn't even hear. He explained our options. Said it wasn't my fault several times.

How is this possible? How could I be exactly as far along as I thought and not have a living baby in me? Did that mean the baby had died that morning? Why is this happening to me? Is this real? This doesn't make sense.

My head was reeling. The doctor, nurse, and my mom (holding Ollie) all left the room to let me change. Jason came to me and I completely broke down.

October 21st. Jason and I woke up bright and early and headed to the hospital. I was scheduled to have a D&C.

I told myself that others had it worse and it was so early in the pregnancy that I shouldn't feel sorry for myself. I was lucky it happened early on. I was lucky I was able to have the D&C. I shouldn't be sad.

The surgery went smoothly. I was actually beginning to feel much better emotionally (or so I thought at the time) and was feeling ready to move forward. I was involved in a play at the time and continued with rehearsals the remainder of the week and performances the following week. At first it felt great, I felt happier and felt that I had gotten through the worst of the emotional and physical aftermath.

I was in a state of denial.

I won't go in to detail, but the moment finally came. I totally lost it. I got in to a couple arguments with my husband that led in to one total breakdown. The mask came off. Every emotion I had shut out came flooding in. Every moment within the past few weeks where I had deemed myself as "fine" and "happy" were revealed as moments that I was actually, definitely not fine and happy. The hurt that I had blocked out came rushing in and I was feeling everything all at once.

I am now dealing with it. I am finally feeling the hurt I pushed out and it is so relieving. It feels good to allow myself to truly mourn my loss and let myself not be totally okay. Each day is getting easier and each day I feel just a bit brighter.

National Child Abuse Prevention Month

You may or may not know that this month, April, is National Child Abuse Prevention month. This subject is very near and dear to my heart. I wasn't going to make a post at all about it until a friend of mine did. Although she felt the need to take her post down, her story encouraged me to speak up.

I am not going to share my experiences here but I will say that I have experienced, first hand, the affects of child abuse.

I try to be as uplifting as possible when I share my feelings and experiences on social media, but child abuse is NOT to be taken lightly nor is it something that should be ignored or tip-toed around. It DOES happen. Likely, more often than you could ever realize. Children, on a daily basis, however severe the case may or may not be, are being hurt. Physically, verbally, and emotionally abused. 

When did this become okay? 

Is it acceptable to physically hurt your spouse, parent, neighbor, friend, or any other person? No.

Does it become acceptable to physically hurt them when they have made a mistake, whether it be that they were caught in a lie, or they have simply made a mess in the kitchen? No.

So, why do some feel it is acceptable to do so to a child? They are not our slaves. They are not here to serve us and meet our demands. They are most certainly not our punching bags; to smack around when we feel it has been deserved. 

We have been privileged with the task of raising children by a loving Heavenly Father. If in His presence, would we discipline our children if they have made wrongful decisions? Of course! We are here to teach them and raise them to be good people that contribute goodness to the world. But, would you hit or verbally attack your child in His presence? I would venture to say- absolutely not.

I am grateful for my life experiences. I am not sure that I would change them, because they have helped to shape who I am today. I feel that it has allowed me to connect with others in ways that might not have been possible otherwise. It has given me a perspective that others may not have. And it has given me a deeper appreciation for my loved ones and the grace that the atonement offers.

But I would never wish my experiences on any child. If I could, I would scoop up every child suffering and hold them until they knew how important they are. How precious they are. How loved they truly are.

Please, love your children and practice mercy. Pray to Heavenly Father to know how best to raise your children. Show kindness and mercy to children who are not your own, because you never know what may be happening to them behind closed doors. And show kindness and mercy to all, for you never know what they have been asked to endure in this life.