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Seeing our little one was the most surreal feeling. It seriously all felt like a dream. It's a similar feeling to the day I married Jason, everything felt like such a blur, I couldn't quite comprehend what was happening because I couldn't believe I was really marrying the man of my dreams. But this...this is like that times one hundred thousand. Every single day I wake up and have to go look at the sonogram of our mini Cooper because I can't believe they are really there. I think it's easier to feel in denial too when I'm not showing yet. Even all the sickness I have had...it just hasn't registered quite fully that it's because my body is working on creating another human being.
Speaking of sickness...oh my goodness. For those who are close to me, you know this already...but oh my heck child!! You are making me absolutely miserable right now! I am going to be one hundred percent honest right now, at the risk of sounding selfish and ungrateful, I am having the hardest time with everything these days.
1. I am an emotional wreck. Today Jason got to go to Chili's with his classmates from the nursing program to celebrate the last day of their first semester of clinical's. I didn't admit this to him at the time... but, he came home and showered before leaving for work after the lunch, and I literally cried because why? Because he didn't have any leftovers. Honestly. Every little thing makes me just want to cry. I have even sat in our apartment and out of no where start crying and I have actually, out loud, asked myself what in the world is happening to me.
2. I feel like crap all. the. time. A few weeks ago I started getting so sick that I could hardly get out of bed because I was so exhausted and could not keep any food down. I had to take a break from school and from work because I was having the hardest time doing anything. Even laying around feels like a lot of work sometimes because of how uncomfortable I am, which is ridiculous. I had to start taking this medication called Zofran, which is generally prescribed to chemo patients for nausea. It has helped a TON. I still throw up sometimes and I always feel tired and sick, but seriously..being able to keep some food down is like heaven these days.
3. Change. I am starting to freak out. It is most likely all these hormones that are making me really scared, but I am terrified. This is something I have always wanted. I always knew I wanted to get married someday and start a family. I always looked forward to the day I would be able to be pregnant (minus the whole labor and delivery thing) and be able to see the sweet little angels that my awesome Heavenly Father saved for me. This is something Jason and I have prayed about constantly over the past couple years and it's something we took very seriously. It took a lot for us to decide to have a baby. We are still very young and we have a lot to accomplish in our lives, namely finishing school. We just felt very strongly that it was time. For a while we were pulled back and forth, wanting to make sure we did what we were supposed to according to God's will and not our own...but that's a story for another day.
I am really scared of having to go through labor, and I have really started to doubt in my abilities to become a good mother. I want to give my baby everything I have, and I want to do everything I can for them, and I have been really struggling to feel like I can do that. Partly because I have been so sick and haven't been able to go to work and school, which right now in my mind, is exactly what I need to be doing to ensure that my child can have the best life. And I can't even do that? It is the worst feeling. I feel like I'm being such a burden on those around me. But, I am so lucky, and I have some incredible people in my life.
My husband. My amazing, wonderful, handsome, loving, kind, sweet, incredible husband. He has seriously been my rock. I cannot begin to express how much I love him. He is human and he stresses about things, he gets over-worked and school and his job but when it comes to this baby...this baby is his world. He continues to tell me daily "I am here for you. I am going to make everything okay." and I feel the fear and the anxiety begin to melt. You guys, I don't know how I did it, but I found him, and he is mine for eternity. I am so so so blessed. I have felt like nothing but stress for him these days as I have had to rest at home constantly, but he has not once complained. He has not once allowed me to bring him down or make him feel worried. He has been so positive and so loving that I just can't believe people like him exist. This baby is the luckiest, they have Superman as their Daddy.
My family. My family has been a huge support to us. My mom is extremely excited and she is constantly checking up on me and asking if there is anything she can do. My dad has done the same, making sure we are taken care of. My in-laws have been so supportive and awesome too. They are so loving and gracious. I am so grateful for all of them. I don't know that I could ever get through all of this without them. It definitely is a relief knowing I can call any one of them up and they would be there for me in a heartbeat.
Now, I know I have rambled and complained, but when it comes down to it, I really am so happy, nervous and frightened, but so so so happy. Funny how you can feel both at the same time. I already love my little one so much. I can't believe how much our baby has blessed us already, I have never felt so close to husband and my family as I do now. I am so excited for this adventure and I am so grateful to have been given the best calling in the world, Mom.
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