September 10th. I was driving home from work at about 2 AM. I had been feeling different all day and continued to have the thought that I should take a pregnancy test. The feeling did not go away, even at 2 AM, so I decided to stop at Wal-Mart on the way home.
Got home. Went to the bathroom. Waited. Positive.
I was elated. Apparently my late night antics woke up my son, so I excitedly went to him and whispered to him "I have a secret. You get to be the first to know." and proceeded to tell him the news (knowing full well that this one year old boy had no clue what I was saying..but, he was excited simply because I was.) We then went in and broke the news to a very tired father/husband.
Nearly 4 weeks later we broke the news to our parents and siblings. It was beginning to feel more real. Especially considering how sick and tired I had been.
October 15th. It was our 4 year wedding anniversary,and we were on our way to have our first ultrasound. We were so excited to be spending such a special day being introduced to our newest and smallest family member.
I had been tracking my pregnancy with a detailed app based on my cycle (and not necessarily the date of your last period like the doctor does before your first visit) and was extremely sure of how far along I would be. Jason and I had placed bets on how far along I was, and I thought "I'm definitely going to win this bet. Sucker."
We got to the office and waited in the car for a few minutes because we were pretty early. I was freaking out a little. "I'm so nervous!" I said to Jason. He asked me why and I asked him "What if something is wrong?". I also asked him, ironically, what he would do if I miscarried, which led in to its own discussion.
We got in, went over paperwork, spoke with the doctor for a minute, then went in for the ultrasound. We could see our sweet baby so well! I was so glad! And I was exactly, to the day, as far along as I thought I would be.
Several moments passed as the doctor continued to look around.
"I am going to keep looking for a minute before making this diagnosis."
What? Diagnosis? What does he mean?
He zoomed in on the baby and that's when I realized..you can't see it. You can't see any heartbeat. I sat there praying so hard "Please God, please let us see a heartbeat."
"I'm sorry, I am just not seeing a heartbeat."
The silence after he spoke was deafening. I felt like I was in a bad dream.
Jason rushed to my side, grasping my hand as the doctor proceeded to talk. Half of the things he said I didn't even hear. He explained our options. Said it wasn't my fault several times.
How is this possible? How could I be exactly as far along as I thought and not have a living baby in me? Did that mean the baby had died that morning? Why is this happening to me? Is this real? This doesn't make sense.
My head was reeling. The doctor, nurse, and my mom (holding Ollie) all left the room to let me change. Jason came to me and I completely broke down.
October 21st. Jason and I woke up bright and early and headed to the hospital. I was scheduled to have a D&C.
I told myself that others had it worse and it was so early in the pregnancy that I shouldn't feel sorry for myself. I was lucky it happened early on. I was lucky I was able to have the D&C. I shouldn't be sad.
The surgery went smoothly. I was actually beginning to feel much better emotionally (or so I thought at the time) and was feeling ready to move forward. I was involved in a play at the time and continued with rehearsals the remainder of the week and performances the following week. At first it felt great, I felt happier and felt that I had gotten through the worst of the emotional and physical aftermath.
I was in a state of denial.
I won't go in to detail, but the moment finally came. I totally lost it. I got in to a couple arguments with my husband that led in to one total breakdown. The mask came off. Every emotion I had shut out came flooding in. Every moment within the past few weeks where I had deemed myself as "fine" and "happy" were revealed as moments that I was actually, definitely not fine and happy. The hurt that I had blocked out came rushing in and I was feeling everything all at once.
I am now dealing with it. I am finally feeling the hurt I pushed out and it is so relieving. It feels good to allow myself to truly mourn my loss and let myself not be totally okay. Each day is getting easier and each day I feel just a bit brighter.
