I forgot I'm a wife.

I am not certain how common this is (I imagine others experiences are similar, if not the same as my own), but guys, I have been neglecting my husband and our relationship as husband and wife.

Having kids can be HARD. Especially those first few months after delivery. You are going through recovery, discovering how strange the human body can be (and not in the most pleasant of ways), running on little to no sleep, attempting to keep the house in order (yeah right),  and trying to figure out how to care for your precious new angel (who does not appear to be said angel when awake and screaming at 3AM). And on top of that my husband wants love and affection? Say what!? I can barely keep up with grocery shopping and brushing my own teeth (real talk.. gross but true) and here he is asking me for a kiss? First of all, can you not hear the baby crying? Secondly, did you not hear me say I have not brushed my teeth today???

Since having Audrey I find myself saying "I am too tired" and "I am too busy" all too frequently.

I love my husband. So dang much. Guys, he is just.. I mean.. I can't even explain it. He is awesome. He is hilarious. Loving, kind, intelligent, and so many other great things. I say this a lot, but it's true- I really lucked out.

So why do I feel so irritated when he tells me how tired he is (seriously babe, I've had like two minutes of sleep since our daughter was born.. not really.. but really) or when he asks for my time and attention? Probably hormones.

Tonight I started staring at my wedding ring and I began  thinking about Jason and why I married him. Warm fuzzies filled my chest and I realized...

Being a good mom does not make you a good wife.

I have forgotten that I am a wife.

(Random side note.. say "wife" ten  and it starts to sound like a  weird word.)

I love my kids and would do just about anything for them, but what about my husband? The one who provides for our family. The one who plays "boat explorers" with our son, who bounces Audrey to calm her. The man who compliments me on my "beauty" despite me feeling much the opposite.

There are times when loving your spouse won't feel natural and you won't want to.. Like when you've been caring for two little ones all day and you feel crazy and tired and your husband asks you to help with chores. My initial inclination lately is to snap and demand to know why he dare ask me such a thing when I've been working my booty off all day  trying to at least keep my children alive. But love doesn't do that. Loving doesn't necessarily mean you end up doing the chores, but it does mean you take time to consider your partner and their feelings and needs. You speak to them kindly and you show your heart.

I am far from perfect. In fact, I often feel like a black sheep amongst my incredible family and friends. But I strive to be better. And tomorrow I'm going to be better. I may feel exhausted but I'm going to give my husband a kiss (and I'll even brush my teeth before I do!) and I'm going to remember that I am not only a mother but I am a wife.

My spouse deserves a wife who cares enough to set aside even just five minutes in the day to make him feel like he is loved as more than just a Dad and a provider.

Jas, thanks for being my best friend. Thanks for seeing past the struggles I've been going through and loving my despite them. You deserve fifty gold stars and fifty million dollars! I love you!

Audrey Ann Cooper

Monday September 12, 2016

I had a doctors checkup Thursday (September 8th) where I was told I was dilated to a 4 and 80% effaced. The doctor was convinced I would have the baby over the weekend, which got Jason and I really excited! 

Well, long story short, I had false labor for several hours every single night that weekend. It was exhausting! Jas and I would get all ready to leave for the hospital thinking "this is it!" when the laboring would stop. Suddenly it was Monday and still no baby.

At this point I had accepted that I wasn't going to go in to labor on my own before my induction date, which bummed me out because I wanted to have that experience, but I wasn't willing to push out my induction date any further (1. because I had been really struggling through this pregnancy and 2. my maternal grandmother, who passed away when my mom was a child, was born on September 13th and I would have loved for my daughter to share her birth date).

Anyway, I woke up in the morning and started to get ready for the day when I began to have contractions that were 20-25 minutes apart around 9 AM. Jason felt like it could really be labor and said we should get everything ready to go to the hospital. (He thought this because my contractions usually began in the evening and would be gone by morning). I was sure it was false labor again, so I ignored his comment and decided I wanted us to go out to breakfast.

We got to Kneaders around 11 AM and my contractions were about 15 minutes apart. I got a text from my mom about going to my cousin's bridal shower that night, so I let her know about the contractions but said "we'd see what happened". I started to wonder if I was in labor but kept telling myself it wasn't real. I didn't want to get my hopes up! Jason, on the other hand, decided we would go home as soon as we finished our meal, pack up our things, and make our way to his parent's house so that we would be closer to the hospital. I didn't really want to because I wanted to cut Ollie's hair, clean the house, and do a little clothes shopping (Ollie is growing out of most of his shirts and I really wanted to get him more!) Jason said "Seriously? You're worried about haircuts and cleaning when you're in labor??". I told him "This might not be real labor!".

I finally agreed to go to the Cooper's house and we arrived at about 1 PM. My contractions were 10-15 minutes apart. 

About an hour in to being there, my mother in law, Chris, told me I needed to start really timing contractions as she noticed I was having them closer together. I hadn't been using my contraction timer app at all that day..I was kind of in denial. But, I pulled it out per her request and realized my contractions were about 5-10 minutes apart.

By 3 PM it finally hit me that I could actually be in labor so I told Jason "Ok...I think I need to go get checked at the hospital." I'm pretty I remember Jason saying something like "Finally!" So, we left Ollie with Chris, texted my mom to update her, and made our way to the hospital!

I was sent to triage where a nurse checked me (and she was NOT gentle..I considered a natural birth until she checked me and made me realize I was not prepared for that pain). She informed us I was dilated to a 6 with contractions only minutes apart..and that I was definitely in labor. WHAT!? Jason was sure to say "I told you!" as well as text our families to let them know baby girl was on her way.

My mom showed up and we were sent back to a Labor and Delivery room. My sister in law, Tiffanie, showed up soon after to take pictures for us as well. 

At about 5 PM I was dilated to a 7 and was given an epidural. They then broke my water and told me that I would probably get to a 10 pretty quickly.

An hour later I started to feel anxious. I was feeling a lot of pressure and could swear that I felt baby's head pretty low. I wasn't sure because of the epidural's effects, but I was feeling a slight need to push. Tiffanie and Jason told me I should just push the "call nurse" button and have her come in but I worried I was over thinking things and didn't want to look silly. I told them if the nurse didn't come in the next five minutes to check me that I would call her in.

Luckily, they came in about 5 minutes later and checked me. "Wow, yeah, you're ready!". It was time to start pushing!

I pushed once and her head was right there. Even with the epidural, I could feel her and it was NOT comfortable..I was feeling quite a bit of pain and was praying she would come quickly! I pushed about 7 more times when she arrived! 

Nothing else mattered.

My sweet Audrey Ann arrived at 6:45 PM. She was 6 lbs 15 oz. of pure beauty.

Ollie was brought in and he was so curious and excited! He gave her the sweetest kiss on her forehead. Then, she started to cry, which made Ollie cry. It was so sad and so funny at the same time. 

I am so grateful for my Audrey. I was pretty nervous to have her, unsure of how to care for a little girl, but now that she's here, much like how I felt with Oliver's arrival, it feels right. Like she was always here, even when she wasn't.

  

36 (almost 37) Week Update

UPDATE:

-How far along?: 36 weeks 5 days  

-Weight gain: 27 pounds..AHH!!! I started at 106 and am now at 133. I gained 28 pounds with Oliver so I'm not really shocked to see my weight gain that high..but..part of me is shocked to see my weight gain that high! Haha. It's always a little weird seeing the number on the scale shoot up like that even if it is because you're growing a tiny human.

-Sleep?: I don't ever fully fall asleep, or so it feels. I have to readjust several times during the night and am pretty aware each time I do because of the pelvic pain. 

-Hardest moment(s)?: The day to day things are quite difficult for me now. When I am around other people I try to put a smile on, act as comfortable as possible, and do my very best to hide the waddle (which has become more of a hobble) but it's not easy. To make things worse, I have been in a serious nesting phase, trying to keep chores caught up on and keep the house orderly and neat. The only time my home ever looks and feels nice is late at night when Oliver has gone to sleep and I've had a chance to really clean. 

I'm not sure if I've already mentioned this in previous updates but I have also struggled a lot emotionally during this pregnancy. My body hasn't really had a break since my previous pregnancy last year and I think that has played a huge role. I've been really blessed with the support and love of some friends and family, and if it weren't for them I'm not sure how I would've survived this pregnancy. It's been a huge test of faith and trust.

-Best moment(s)?:  Talking with Jason about life and what's coming. We have a lot of fun events happening over the next couple months, a lot of changes coming within the next couple years, and I enjoy hearing Jason share his thoughts and feelings about it all. I notice a true happiness in his words when we discuss our life and our children and it has really helped me find a greater joy in things despite my struggles. 

-Food cravings?: My appetite has decreased quite a bit the last little while and my cravings haven't been nearly as strong as they were. I still do frequently want sweets though.  

-Belly button in or out?: My tummy is so stretched out that my belly button is either being stretched flat or slightly poking out (depending on my position). (This is the same thing I wrote last time..but it hasn't really changed!)

-What I miss?: Running around, playing, and having energy to do everything! I am extremely anxious to get my body back. Not so I can get a "hot bod", but simply to be able to do things without the pain and restriction.

-What I'm looking forward to?: Going in to labor and meeting this sweet girl! I am hopeful I'll be able to go in to labor naturally this time around and am excited to experience that. 

-Dilation/Effacement?: 1 CM dilated. I didn't actually catch how far effaced I am..so..I guess I'll find out next week!

34 Week Update

People.. our little girl is due to come NEXT MONTH! Jason and I have felt like this pregnancy is rushing right on by and it kind of freaks us out! I have honestly been pretty nervous about going in to labor. I have had dreams where I go in to labor while Jason is working a graveyard shift and I can't reach him on the phone and no one is willing/able to take me to the hospital.

I think I am mostly nervous about not knowing. With Ollie we had to schedule an induction due to complications, so we knew a few days in advance that we would be going to have him and were able to make arrangements. This time we have no idea when or how it will happen! Only time will tell I suppose!

UPDATE:

-How far along?: 34+ Weeks 

-Weight gain: 24 lbs overall! 

-Sleep?: Pretty uncomfortable! I definitely don't feel very rested when I wake up. 

-Hardest moment(s)?: I got my TDAP vaccine a couple appointments ago and I experienced just about every possible side effect. For a couple days I had fever, chills, severe headache, body aches, fatigue, etc. It was a nightmare. Thank goodness for priesthood blessings! 

I've also continued to experience pretty bad pelvic, hip, and lower back pain. The first half of this pregnancy was so much easier than my pregnancy with Oliver, while the second half has been harder.

Oh, AND when people ask me how much longer I have then respond with "Oh wow, you have a long way to go" (I've felt like it's flying by so this comment makes me suddenly feel like it's going slowly) or "Man, you already look like you're ready to pop!"(as if I don't already feel like a whale as I struggle to waddle even two feet). 

-Best moment(s)?: Opposite from the last question..when sweet people have complimented me on my looks. Things like "You are the cutest pregnant lady ever!" really help me to feel confident. 

I also made a cute car seat cover with friends. It was so fun and got me so excited!

-Food cravings?: My sweet tooth lives on! I also love popsicle's. MMM!  

-Belly button in or out?: My tummy is so stretched out that my belly button is either being stretched flat or slightly poking out (depending on my position).

-What I miss?: Moving around without pain. 

-What I'm looking forward to?: I look forward to my weekly doctor's appointments! I love going in and seeing my progression. 

Ollie's 2nd Bday/ 29 Week Update

Well folks.. I officially have a two year old! It seems crazy to me that it has already been two years since Oliver came to this earth to be in our family. He really has made our family feel whole. As soon as I saw him in the hospital I just thought "Of course that's what you look like! It feels as though I've known you all along. It all makes sense now." I was surprised how normal things felt with him, even though everything was so new and so much was changing. He just fit right in and it made my life make more sense.
Oliver absolutely loved his birthday! All weekend he wanted us to sing happy birthday and let him blow out candles. He even woke up this morning and asked me "Happy Birthday?" after I made him pancakes (I made him pancakes with a candle stuck in them the morning of his birthday.. so I am assuming he thought it was his birthday all over again!) It was so fun to celebrate him and his life. I love him so much and am so grateful he is my boy!

Here are some pictures from the birthday boy's fun weekend!

 (In the play place at Chik-fi-la.)

(We played with the hose pretty much three days in a row. This kid LOVES playing outside and playing in the water!)

(He wasn't too thrilled about his first time riding the horse with Pops..but it was still cute! We'll get this kiddo acclimated to riding soon enough.)

 (We "camped" in the back yard. He was OUT in the morning!)

(Getting the pool ready for his party) 

UPDATE Time!

-How far along?: 29+ weeks. However, I actually am measuring 3 weeks ahead as of my appointment today (according to my fundal height). My doctor asked me a couple questions (how big Ollie was when he was born, if I'm feeling like I've grown more this time compared to with Ollie, etc). He said it can be normal to measure that many weeks ahead but if I keep measuring ahead over the next appointment or two they will probably do an ultrasound to check and make sure everything is looking okay. He didn't sound concerned, and we aren't either, but at least I know I'm not crazy for feeling like I'm popping out so much more this time!

-Weight gain: 4 lbs between now and 4 weeks ago. 21 lbs overall! It's kind of funny because I gained 21 pounds by my 29 week appointment with Ollie too (had to check my update on the blog from Ollie's pregnancy for that one..which reminded me why I started these updates!) If I'm on the same track as far as weight gain then WHY IS MY STOMACH SO BIG!? Haha! Pregnancy is weird.

-Sleep?: I'm sorry, can you define sleep? I wake up several times a night because:

A. I can't breath

B. My ribs are burning

C. My pelvic pain is acting up

or sometimes D. All of the above

-Best moment(s)?: Celebrating Ollie's birthday last week. I wore myself out in every way possible and by Saturday night started to crash, but it was so worth it! Also, while Jason was at work last night Ollie decided he wanted to sleep with Mama..of course I let him! This morning he rolled over and touched my tummy lightly and said "Basketball!" I laughed so hard! He then sat there and just rubbed my tummy. It was a sweet little moment.

-Hardest moment(s)?: Pelvic pain when lying down..which makes it so hard to move. I have also noticed a big decrease in energy lately, which means I am a little more moody again. Ollie is just so active and I can't keep up that I catch myself snapping at him for being too rowdy or snapping at Jason for not helping me a little more. I always wish I hadn't snapped and it makes me feel so guilty. Jason's been so good at reminding me that it's okay though..my body is under a lot of stress and that will affect my mood.

-Name?: Margaret Ann Cooper. (PSYCH! That's in case my mom or dad are reading this.) We have been calling her Audrey still. 

-Food cravings?: Still a sweet tooth! I made "Cup of Dirt" cups for Ollie's birthday and I have been wanting more ever since! I also have been really wanting snow cones. 

-Gender?: I should just delete this question. Her gender hasn't changed!

-Belly button in or out?: It depends on baby girl's position. A lot of the time my belly button is pretty flat but the top of it sometimes pokes out just a little.

-What I miss?: Being able to run around with Oliver.

-What I'm looking forward to?: Finding out what this sweet girl looks like. Jason and I have a friendly competition going on what color her eyes will end up being (which we realize may take several months to find out for sure..but it's still fun!). I'm guessing brown, and he's going with blue.